It's interesting having a month off work. The last couple of weeks I've felt pretty strong, at least for a few hours at a time. I get stuff done, kinda. Mostly I follow my muse and play some guitar or build a computer for a friend. Both are very enjoyable things for me to do that aren't time sensitive: I can work until I don't feel like it and then continue after resting. Plus, it gives me joy and keeps my mind off things. Although, lately, "things" hasn't meant the normal concoction of worry, frustration, fear, pondering of possible (mostly unpleasant) outcomes, etc. It's been a trip about how amazing well I seem to be doing. My guitar hands are more than what they were before the surgery (a month of relatively intense practice will do that. I hope I can keep it up after I return to work). I've had time to watch oodles of tutorial videos about recording and that aspect of what I love doing. I even got to go hang out at my friend's studio (who's donated studio time to the ...woops, sorry I wasn't going to talk about that in this post) and listen to what he's been doing with his new gear. It sounds truly amazing. He's really built up a nice space and it's only getting better.
But I also have time to reflect on what I'm doing, rather than before where I was desperately failing to just keep up. I could recognize that I was failing, but was too busy to be able to think of alternative behavior. Enter brain surgery and a month of doctor approved Family and Medical Leave Act protected time off work, and I see that the previous attitude is likely what got me into this fix in the first place. I'm convinced that the pace of life that I tend to keep is itself a carcinogen. Always working to attain the next goal in life seems to backfire on the potential of living long enough to enjoy that attainment. I've been learning to take small chunks of time out each day to just chill out. Sometimes I need to do a full Vipassana meditation and sometimes it just takes loading some Bartok onto my phone and sitting in the chair with the headphones on. I have a book that I started a while back, too, that I would like to finish before I return to work on light duty, possibly part time, on April 9th. I'll see the doctor today about those details.